You know the space between living and dying? the living being happiness and joy and the dying being suffering and hopelessness. the space where you just go minute by minute and hope to keep breathing and sometimes breathing is difficult and living is impossible and dying isn't an option so you turn to running your heart out and untangling the thoughts from the spool of useless, hopeless, fearful, dreadful thread. and after you run your heart out things make more sense, and you see a sign that things will be fine and let go of your fears. you see the most beautiful magnolia tree on your favorite running trail...one that you've never seen before and haven't ever seen again. because your thoughts made you breathless and your throat tightened up, and you looked to the sky for some answers and you looked right and then left and in the middle of all.the.green.stood the most beautiful magnolia tree with bright white blooms and it was like a sign telling me things were going to be fine, and don't give up hope, let go of what doesn't matter and hang on to what does. And right there i thanked God for the sign and gave up on my fears because a life living in fear is not a life worth living at all.
The thing about living and dying is i'm not afraid to die. I know that when i die i'm going to a better place, but the thing about living is that life is scary. life is not knowing anything. life is taking this path that leads me to who knows where and i don't know how i'll get there and if i'll make it safely and who will be on this path with me. life is messy. life is spilled milk and a hundred loads of laundry day after day and mismatched socks and fighting and tears and sometimes i feel like the worst mom. some days my kids tell me i'm the worst mom...other days they wrap their little arms around me and tell me i'm the best and they love me...but most days, i breathe a huge sigh of relief when bedtime comes and the kids are tucked in safe and sound and i collapse on the couch and sometimes the tears roll down my cheeks and other times i just bury myself under my blankets with my contacts still in. i make sure my alarm is set for my early morning run, because without my run i would die, i would literally die. i run so much my toenails are falling off and so are my pants and if i go without my runs i can't function normally.
sometimes life sucks. sometimes i suck. sometimes i feel like i'm failing at everything i touch and do and look at. sometimes it takes someone dying to get back into the the joy of living. sometimes an epiphany comes in the form of sun rays shining on your downward looking face, and you raise your eyes to the sky and see the most beautiful, picture perfect moment and you grab your phone and snap a photo and something changes inside of you...like a light switch turning on and you snap the photo and put it on instagram and think to yourself that it's been too long to live without the joy of a sunset. it's been too long to live without hope and joy and happiness in the small moments. it's been too long living in doubt and fear and anger and hate and letting someone else control my happiness. my happiness is my own and i won't give that up to someone else.
so, happy thursday. my favorite day of the week. soaking up the evening sun with a beer in my hand and the summer upon us and the kids running around outside in their pj's and knowing that tomorrow isn't a school day and this giant epiphany falling into my lap and i know it's no accident because i have a guardian angel in heaven now and i know everything will be fine and good and happy again.
hope and faith and love are powerful things.