Eight is Great...

Anna, you are 8 today.

I remember the night before my scheduled c-section, so excited to have a little girl that I couldn't sleep at all that night. Your little pink and purple clothes were all laid out and and I was so excited to be your mama and do our 'girly' things together, like paint nails and play dress-up and do your hair and go shopping together. 

Sometimes, I feel like I'm failing miserably at being your mama. You are me; you are stubborn and smart and underneath that hard shell is a beautiful soul and lively, enthusiastic spirit. You are my challenging one; the one that shuts down if something is wrong; the one who wants to wear her summer sparkly shoes in the dead of winter; the one that loves so big and has a smile to match; the one that has a contagious laugh and a concerned heart and is loving and kind and has a sensitive soul to match. Sometimes, I have to look inside myself to figure you out; do some soul searching to try to help you, because we are two halves of a whole, and it is difficult sometimes. 

I love you as far as the stars and moon and back. I love you fiercely, and when your heart hurts, so does mine. 

I love that you love to create things; draw and paint and write in your many, many, many notebooks. I love that when I let you pick something out in the store, it's always new pens and notebooks to write; new crafts to create. I love that you think I'm a crafty mom, because I so am not. 

I love you for you and I hope you never change, because you are beautiful, both inside and out. I hope the world doesn't crush your spirit and your enthusiasm and your pure zest for living. 

You can do anything you set your mind to, anything and everything, and you are extraordinary. I need to tell you this more often; I need to tell you that on ordinary days, you make life extraordinary. 

Happy Birthday, sweet girl. 

Winter...

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.--Dr. Suess

I cried when the big kids went back to school after Christmas vacation. I love having them home. I don't love the wars that sometimes break out when they're all home, but I love having them all cozy in our nest. I'm not ready for them to fly away; and yet, it's happening little by little. Sports and friends and activities and going in different directions at the same time.

I'm trying to enjoy this season we're in; this very cold winter season; while the kids are big enough to enjoy the outdoor things like sledding and ice skating; but not too big to go and do them by themselves. That's why I love my husband for forcing me out in my many, many layers of clothing; so I can see the pure joy on their faces as they are facing their fears of sledding down the big hill, or making it all the way down on the snowboard for the very first time.

My brave little 6 year old, who proclaimed I'm facing my fears, mama!! We can learn a lot from a little kid, can't we?

Gosh, I love them. But I can't wait until summer.

The Sun Always Rises...

even if we don't see it.

I watched the sun come up today after dropping the three big kids off at school. It was 6 degrees, and my 2 year old had to wear my mittens, because we left in a rush to get to school on time and forgot hers. We made a mad dash to the river trail and I held her in my arms as the fiery ball of red came up and spread it's rays between the trees and through the clouds.

This morning was a complete and utter failure of a morning. Tears and fighting and teasing and explosions and more tears. I couldn't wait to get home and work out and work up a sweat and forget about the failing. Instead, I took a detour and followed the sun and found some silence in the sky and showed a little girl how the sun comes up slowly and quickly all at once. Kind of like growing up. Some days feel like they will never end, and all of a sudden, my baby is almost 3.

I can only hope the kids don't dwell on the failure mornings like I do. I hope that as they hang up their coats in their lockers, and say hi to their friends, it's already a distant memory.

Tomorrow morning, we'll try again. Hopefully we'll succeed with one less explosion and smiles instead of tears.

There is no trace of that beautiful sun anymore. The clouds moved in and it is gray and bleak outside again. But I saw that glorious sun come up; I saw its rays spread out in the sky. I remember what it's like to feel warm, and I remember when we had good mornings.

Thank heaven for tomorrows and sunshine.

*all photos taken with my iphone because i also forgot my 'real' camera along with kate's mittens.

Merry Christmas Eve

The kids are tucked in safe and snug. The wrapping is done; cookies and milk for Santa await; and my heart is bursting.

Our favorite movies were watched today; Elf, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, and It's a Wonderful Life made the cut today. I finished the wrapping with tears streaming down my face; George Bailey does it to me every time.

My own Christmas list consists of things you can't buy in a store or wrap in a box. I already have everything I need, and my blessings are too many to count.

I wish for my kids to stay little just a while longer; to believe in the magic of Christmas just one more year but not forget the real reason we celebrate. I wish for more time; and peace on Earth; and health and happiness and peace within. My heart is still aching for all the little lives lost; and I remember to squeeze my babies while they're still here to be squeezed.

I'm trying to soak every last little thing in; from the music to the cookies to days of off school. Old traditions mixed with new traditions; things we'll remember year after year.

I'm enjoying this season; this merry and bright and joy and love filled season.

May yours also be merry and bright.

My Dearest Children...

I wept as I dropped you off at school this morning.

My 6 year old kindergartener, skipping down the hall with your SpongeBob backpack as big as you are; your penguin hat in one hand, lunch box in the other.

My 7 year old sweet girl, taking off your hat as soon as you got in the door, smoothing your hair, and looking for your friends.

My 9 year old, knowing only in simple terms what happened, because I'm sure you will hear all about it in school today. If I could have escaped telling you, I would have. The knowing whisper between us don't tell your brother and sister, and I know you won't.

My 2 year old, waving good-bye to her older siblings, only thinking ahead as far as snack time and Barney and lunch.

I wish I could keep you all blissfully unaware, in your happy little bubbles of  talking of Christmas presents and Christmas programs and movie nights and basketball and snow and sledding and cookies.

Every time I look at you; I can't help but think of the little lives lost, and the families who have to live without them, and I weep. I weep for the mamas and the papas whose children were stolen from them.

Someday I'll tell you how the world stopped as the news traveled; some day you will understand the heartbreak only a parent can feel; some day I will tell you exactly where I was on December 14th when I found out; and how I wept; and then I prayed; and I lit candles for the littles and prayed some more.

Someday you will find out about the big, scary, mean world. But for now; I don't want my fears to be your fears. I want you to think nothing of big and scary and mean; for all you know is hope and happy and bright and cheery and love...big love; just as it should be.

A Walk in the Woods...

Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail--Ralph Waldo Emerson

Adopt the pace of nature; her secret is patience--Ralph Waldo Emerson

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us--Ralph Waldo Emerson

Live in the sunshine, swim in the sea, drink the wild air--Ralph Waldo Emerson

Nothing can bring you peace but yourself--Ralph Waldo Emerson

It's not the length of life, but the depth of life--Ralph Waldo Emerson

Be silly, be honest, be kind--Ralph Waldo Emerson

The earth laughs in flowers--Ralph Waldo Emerson

Just some thinkin' words for today.

The Real Me...

I paint a really pretty picture in this little ol' space of mine.

Words that flow together just so; some nice photos to match the words; those photos capture the best times; the words are edited and erased and written again.

The real me has no edit button; no backspace; no do-overs.

The real me is pretty awkward and very clumsy. I embarrass easily and try not to show it, but my flaming red cheeks are a dead giveaway.

Sometimes, I trip over my words, and they come out too fast, and then my cheeks get red again.

The real me feels ugly; both inside and out.

The real me feels like I can never be thin enough, even though the number on the scale never changes. Sometimes I put on my "fat" jeans so I can make sure they still fall off of me even though my "skinny" clothes feel like they're suffocating me.

The real me is pretty weird. Sometimes, I can't believe I landed a husband. I'm sure I'm going to be one of those moms that will embarrass her kids.

The real me feels very inadequate a lot of the time; not worthy to be their mother or his wife. A lot of the time I feel like a huge, embarrassing failure...oh, it's just Jen, oh, that's something Jen would do, oh, good try Jen...even my name irritates me.

The real me is very shy until you get to know me.

The real me feels like I have a note on my forehead telling me some improvement is always required, both inside and out.

The real me has no clue what I'm doing a lot of the time...fake it til you make it is my motto.

The real me wishes I could do something extraordinary with my life; but the other real me bursts my bubble with a pin-prick of logic and brings me back to reality with a thud.

The real me is a big dork, who gets excited about Thursday night T.V., and Friday night pizza nights, and a new scent of shampoo or a new nail polish color.

Sometimes, I don't like the real me...