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Thursday, June 5, 2014

The Space Between

You know the space between living and dying? the living being happiness and joy and the dying being suffering and hopelessness. the space where you just go minute by minute and hope to keep breathing and sometimes breathing is difficult and living is impossible and dying isn't an option so you turn to running your heart out and untangling the thoughts from the spool of useless, hopeless, fearful, dreadful thread. and after you run your heart out things make more sense, and you see a sign that things will be fine and let go of your fears. you see the most beautiful magnolia tree on your favorite running trail...one that you've never seen before and haven't ever seen again. because your thoughts made you breathless and your throat tightened up, and you looked to the sky for some answers and you looked right and then left and in the middle of all.the.green.stood the most beautiful magnolia tree with bright white blooms and it was like a sign telling me things were going to be fine, and don't give up hope, let go of what doesn't matter and hang on to what does. And right there i thanked God for the sign and gave up on my fears because a life living in fear is not a life worth living at all.

The thing about living and dying is i'm not afraid to die. I know that when i die i'm going to a better place, but the thing about living is that life is scary. life is not knowing anything. life is taking this path that leads me to who knows where and i don't know how i'll get there and if i'll make it safely and who will be on this path with me. life is messy. life is spilled milk and a hundred loads of laundry day after day and mismatched socks and fighting and tears and sometimes i feel like the worst mom. some days my kids tell me i'm the worst mom...other days they wrap their little arms around me and tell me i'm the best and they love me...but most days, i breathe a huge sigh of relief when bedtime comes and the kids are tucked in safe and sound and i collapse on the couch and sometimes the tears roll down my cheeks and other times i just bury myself under my blankets with my contacts still in. i make sure my alarm is set for my early morning run, because without my run i would die, i would literally die. i run so much my toenails are falling off and so are my pants and if i go without my runs i can't function normally. 

sometimes life sucks. sometimes i suck. sometimes i feel like i'm failing at everything i touch and do and look at. sometimes it takes someone dying to get back into the the joy of living. sometimes an epiphany comes in the form of sun rays shining on your downward looking face, and you raise your eyes to the sky and see the most beautiful, picture perfect moment and you grab your phone and snap a photo and something changes inside of you...like a light switch turning on and you snap the photo and put it on instagram and think to yourself that it's been too long to live without the joy of a sunset. it's been too long to live without hope and joy and happiness in the small moments. it's been too long living in doubt and fear and anger and hate and letting someone else control my happiness. my happiness is my own and i won't give that up to someone else.

so, happy thursday. my favorite day of the week. soaking up the evening sun with a beer in my hand and the summer upon us and the kids running around outside in their pj's and knowing that tomorrow isn't a school day and this giant epiphany falling into my lap and i know it's no accident because i have a guardian angel in heaven now and i know everything will be fine and good and happy again.

hope and faith and love are powerful things.




Thursday, March 27, 2014

Unedited..

There's been no writing. No photo taking or tweeting or facebooking or instagramming. There's been nothing. Silence. Dead air, crickets chirping. I've almost forgotten what it feels like to write. There's been writing in private journals, not meant for anyone else to read, just my mind's ramblings of deep deep pain and fear and nothing to share but dark and twisted thoughts. The only constants have been running, running and running and music and friends...thank God for running and friends and music. Music so loud it blocks out any and all thoughts of everything and nothing all at once. Running has saved my life more than once. it's done it again. this running thing is not just about the feet pounding on the pavement, it's about chasing the demons from my mind and soul and my heart and body coming together in perfect harmony to find the strength to put one foot in front of the other and just keep breathing; one breath and then another and another until you don't have to tell yourself to just breathe. just take a deep breath and inhale good and exhale bad because sometimes my brain needs to tell my soul to take another breath because it's worth it to just.keep.breathing. and friends waiting for you on the other side to tell you they're there and they love you and that you're perfect just how you are.

Let go or be dragged. When you're going through hell, just keep going. On the other side of fear lies freedom. quotes i've lived by for many many months. Friends and brothers and sisters and dads, they've taken down walls around me one brick at a time. Left me bare and vulnerable and open and i hate it. i'm good at putting up walls, i've built them one brick at a time for years and years and years and everything has always been good and great and fine when in fact these empty words are bricks building walls so high no one can see over and no one can get through and it's just me inside the walls and i'm protected by these beautiful bricks that have taken years to build and only days to crumble apart. it's humbling to let people in. i hate it. i hate people knowing that things aren't fine and everything isn't great and nothing is wonderful and hasn't been. I hate the fact that I'm not really a badass, I just pretend to be...with the black nail polish and the tough girl attitude and the head held high and confident smile. Oh, some days I'm as confident as they come. Other days I'm the fat girl hiding behind a cupcake and crying in the corner and then running like hell the next morning because the fear of fat is the only fear i can control and the treadmill is a very good listener. Fear and failure and fat and fuck those feelings. I'm brave and scared and weak and strong and happy and sad all at the same time. I'm a mess except when i'm not. i ride a roller coaster every.single.day. and i want to get off. i want to jump off some days, kicking and screaming the whole way down, except i land on my feet and scream at the top of my lungs that i survived. i'm stubborn and kind and compassionate and empathetic and sometimes my heart explodes with pain and happiness and it bubbles up and makes the tears stream down my face and i wipe them away because nobody needs to see me cry.

I can feel the long, cold, gray winter days coming to an end. the days are getting longer and warmer and the sun comes out and warms my cheeks and my heart and when i run i don't feel my feet slide in the snow they splash in the melting snow puddles and i come back warm and sweaty and muddy and wet. i can almost see the light again. the middle is dark. there's no light on either side so you don't know whether to turn back or keep running forward because you're stuck in the dark and feel like you're drowning in it. the light feels like air...filling my lungs and i can start breathing again...start breathing without thinking about making myself breathe again. my soul feels less crushed. i feel less worn. my heart isn't as heavy.

worry and fear can't take up more space than hope and faith, and when there is nothing left to let go of, there is always hope and faith.