Right Now...

I am loving the gorgeous fall weather; the colors; the bright blue sky against the golds and oranges and reds.

I am loving this little girl who is an only child for 6 hours of the weekdays. She steals my heart and bosses me around and helps me vacuum and then makes a graham cracker mess on the floor and helps me sweep it up. She is obsessed with her ducks; real and stuffed; and could stare at this guy all day if I'd let her.

She thinks she's feeding them with sticks; but as soon as she comes near them they swim away.

I am loving our living room dance parties to our new favorite songs from the new Mumford and Sons album. We turn the music up way too loud; sing way off key, twirl, clap, and collapse on the floor with her requests of more.

I am missing these three hooligans...

but it's good. I'm cutting the cord; giving them wings; hugging them harder; crying a little because my baby boy is struggling with friendships...

but I'll save that for another day; this day is a happy one; happy Friday; happy Fall.

Photos, Photos, Photos

                               A few of my favorites from our weekend getaway.

Diggin' Deep

First, a disclaimer. This post has no pictures, just my thoughts. I had my phone on me this morning, but I was too darn cold to take any pictures with it...but if you could have seen the sunrise, well, it rivals a picture perfect one.

I went out of my comfort zone this weekend; ran in a city I've never run in; signed up for a half-marathon on a whim a few weeks ago; and dragged the family out of town and on to new adventures.

It started as a sea of runners. As far as I could see behind and in front of me, runners were lined up, and we were jam packed like sardines for the first mile; all of our running heads bobbing in unison; our stomping and clomping of feet and ins and outs of our breaths; we were all running as one, and it was a sight, one I won't forget for a long time.

And the crowd thinned as it most often does; and my mind wandered as it most often does; and the thankfulness set in...because not everyone can do this; this running thing. I am one of the lucky ones; and I think where would I be without it? And I think how lucky I am that my family puts up with being dragged all over for the sake of a race; the getting up early to see me finish; the cheering me on; the earful they get afterward of me babbling on about this and that and during and before.

And then there was The Hill. And yes, I meant to capitalize The Hill, because it was one of the steepest, longest Hills I have ever run. Just when I thought I was done with it, becoming flat for a block, it inclined even farther, and then I thought I was really done and we turned a corner only to go up again. I had to dig deep; deeper than I ever thought I could; and I started chanting inside my head I will not walk I will not walk I will not walk and I didn't, but I got mad at that Hill, and may have sworn under my breath while my lungs and legs were burning in unison, but that Hill was not going to bring me down.

I compared that Hill to parenting, because that's what my mind wanders to when I run sometimes. Sometimes, when I'm ready to give up and call it a day and throw in the towel, because Holy Crap I can not clean up another glass of spilled milk today! I just dig deep and breathe deep and hunch my shoulders down and only look a few feet in front of me, because looking at the whole Hill is way too overwhelming...little steps, baby steps, until finally I'm at the top and I did not walk; I did not surrender. Hill? You've got nothin' on me today...and neither do you, spilled milk.

OK...one picture.

Six Words

A girl after my own heart. 

Grateful

Today I am grateful for my camera. It has become my best friend.

Today I am grateful for my new running shoes. Yes, finally, I can call them "the ones"...that sounds plain weird, but it's true.

Today I am grateful that my children are happy in school. It makes me happy to see them happy.

Today I am grateful for good friends that send out texts of "let's meet here" and kids play and grown-ups talk.

Today I am grateful for coffee.

P.S. Thank you to everyone for the kind comments on my last post. We're dealing; we're adjusting; and this kid is doing awesome.

Real

I've sat down to type this a million and one times. I'm not sure what words to write; the emotions are still bubbling at the top; about to spill over like a babbling waterfall of words.

I write the happy things; yes, the happy things are good. I write about my mama struggles; I feel like there are a lot of them. But this story? The memories I try to keep track of and write about and document and picture-take? Well, this deserves to be told, because this is a part of our story; a part of your story; and it should be told too.

Hindsight is 20/20, right? Everything makes sense now; the coughing; the "colds" you could never shake; the it's just a virus diagnosis. I'm wondering how I could have missed it. I'm the mama, I should have known. I feel incredibly stupid, and guilty, and dumb, but really it's not how I feel, it's how you were feeling...for almost a year! You suffered; and for that my heart breaks in two. No mother wants their child to suffer.

I've said I'm sorry more times than I can count; and in my brain, I know it's not my fault.

Asthma.

Totally manageable; not the end of the world; lots of kids have it.

But, when you looked up at me, with those big tear-filled eyes and said the words so I really have it?; well, my eyes filled too.

You are a brave boy.

And, I'm proud of you.

And, we're adjusting. To maintenance inhalers, and rescue inhalers, and wheezing, and coughing, and follow-ups, and, and, and...

And, you're telling your story. This is just a little part of it...there will be so much more to tell because, you my dear son, are wonderful; intelligent; funny; a bright spot in everyone's day.

P.S. I love you to the farthest Star Wars galaxy and back.

The best part of Mondays...Stasha and her Listicles.

Good To Be Home...

It's good to be home, mama. It was a good day, but it was a long day, and a busy day. Straight from the mouth of my newly-home-from-school kindergartener.

 And how did I do? In the words of my husband, "You did good, mama".

After giving myself a pep talk on my run this morning, channeling my inner Oprah and telling myself things like, Be strong, and don't cry until you get back to the car, I swallowed the lump in my throat, and decided I needed to be excited for them. This is their day, not mine.

And, I made it. I oozed with excitement for them, and I waited until I was out the school door before a single tear was shed.

This little 2nd-grader-wanna-be and I went shopping.

Do you know how easy it is to shop with only one child? Who still sits in the cart? Easy peasy. We bought things like hot glue guns. I'm not sure what to do with a hot glue gun, but it seemed like something I absolutely needed.

And these guys? Well, they rocked their first back-to-school day. I knew they would.

Yeah, it's good to be home.