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Sunday, September 16, 2012

Real

I've sat down to type this a million and one times. I'm not sure what words to write; the emotions are still bubbling at the top; about to spill over like a babbling waterfall of words.



I write the happy things; yes, the happy things are good. I write about my mama struggles; I feel like there are a lot of them. But this story? The memories I try to keep track of and write about and document and picture-take? Well, this deserves to be told, because this is a part of our story; a part of your story; and it should be told too.



Hindsight is 20/20, right? Everything makes sense now; the coughing; the "colds" you could never shake; the it's just a virus diagnosis. I'm wondering how I could have missed it. I'm the mama, I should have known. I feel incredibly stupid, and guilty, and dumb, but really it's not how I feel, it's how you were feeling...for almost a year! You suffered; and for that my heart breaks in two. No mother wants their child to suffer.



I've said I'm sorry more times than I can count; and in my brain, I know it's not my fault.



Asthma.



Totally manageable; not the end of the world; lots of kids have it.




But, when you looked up at me, with those big tear-filled eyes and said the words so I really have it?; well, my eyes filled too.



You are a brave boy.



And, I'm proud of you.

And, we're adjusting. To maintenance inhalers, and rescue inhalers, and wheezing, and coughing, and follow-ups, and, and, and...

And, you're telling your story. This is just a little part of it...there will be so much more to tell because, you my dear son, are wonderful; intelligent; funny; a bright spot in everyone's day.



P.S. I love you to the farthest Star Wars galaxy and back.

The best part of Mondays...Stasha and her Listicles.

4 comments:

  1. Big hugs mama! There is no way you could have known.

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  2. I bet he's been a total trooper throughout all of this! Beautiful photos too! Hugs to you both!

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  3. Oh don't feel bad! My little Cort has asthma. Once you realize what it is it gets easier to control the symptoms and be proactive with things.

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  4. Jen, I know those guilty feelings well. I've done the apologizing thing too. My oldest struggled for the longest time with something we couldn't name. As we've come to learn, it's a sensory processing issue. We didn't start OT until he was 5. FIVE. Those earliest first years with intervention, gone. The thing is once you know--you move forward. Nobody purposefully hurt anybody. We're just doing the best we can at the time with what we have and know. That's all. Your son is very fortunate to have you as mom :) now you know :)

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