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Sunday, July 17, 2011

Ten Words

I could live without...

1. Hate

2. Anger

3. Frustration

4. Disorganization

5. Clutter

6. The F-bomb

7. Cruelty

8. Nagging

9. Late

10. Guilt

And now, a story.

I hated myself today, and yesterday, and the day before that.

I felt anger and frustration, and I wasn't sure why.

I looked around at my house; at the disorganization and clutter of it all; and I felt it hard to breathe.

I said the f-bomb to myself; more than once.

I was cruel to my husband and children; and I couldn't figure out why.

I was constantly nagging my husband; when usually I only do a little nagging.

I did all of these things and regret came too late.

The guilt is overwhelming; wrapping it's darkness around me like a weight on my heart.

It wasn't until I yelled; and I heard my mom screaming at me when I was little, except it was my own voice and my own children.

What is wrong with me? I think I need some medication or something.

I found my MP3 player; buried under some clothes.

I am so dumb. Why didn't I think of this sooner?

Running is my medication; my drug; my prescription for frustration, anger, and grumpiness.

Did you know that doctors actually prescribe exercise for mild depression and anxiety?

I dropped everything I was doing and put on my running clothes and laced up my shoes.

My husband asks Where are you going?

I can't stand myself, as I'm sure no one else can either. I didn't even say good-bye.

I ran with a vengeance; running away from myself (the self that I hate), and ran to myOLDself. The self that does NOT yell at her children for popsicle drips on the floor, and animal cracker crumbs where they aren't supposed to be. I've cleaned these things up a thousand times before with hardly a word said.

Just keep running. Just keep running.

I ran with a heavy heart, pounding too fast from the 3-week hiatus.

Just keep running. Just keep running.

With each drop of sweat; my heart became lighter. With each pounding foot; my head became clearer.

Just keep running. Just keep running.

I know better now; now I can DO better.

My apologies were many; my tears were few.

They forgave me without a blink; not a second thought was had.

My forgiveness doesn't come so easy; my guilt still surrounds me; a good reminder to bear.

2 comments:

  1. Wow! I love how you did the story with the words. It made it all so relevant. I've felt all those things too. I think I'll approach exercise differently now, too.

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  2. Knowing when and how to remove yourself from a situation is an invaluable skill.

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